I woke up super-early this morning and was channel-surfing before the pitter-patter of little feet hit the floor. As I got higher up and infomercials became more prevalent, I noticed a show called Overcoming Anxiety and suddenly, I was brought back five to ten years. As I watched the "real people" talk about their experiences with anxiety, I was reminded of my past condition. I continued watching, probably to remember where I used to be and where I have gotten to, and there was my old friend, Lucinda Bassett, author of the first book I read when I first started feeling this really strange way, which started after moving from Montreal to Boston. I couldn't name it, because I'd never experienced anything like it, and nobody that I knew (to my knowledge) had had this unfamiliar affliction either. Bassett helped me put a name to it with her book, From Panic to Power. What I was having were panic attacks, and anxiety to an extreme.
I don't think I've ever talked about this on my blog, but I used to be a grade 'a' anxiety sufferer. And I survived. So this post is dedicated to all you people who wake up in the middle of the night shaking from an unknown cause, or have to leave the restaurant because you can't turn off the tears, or sacrifice friendships because no one can possibly understand.
I understand. Better than you know. Because for years, literally years, I was afflicted. And I suffered silently, and sometimes not so silently, and I told myself I would trade anything for my "old self" again. I pleaded with God, figured it would be better to suffer from a physical disease since at least that wasn't so weird and could be treated in a hospital with doctors and nurses. I had no idea what to do.
Slowly, I found people, friends, who had had what I suddenly had. It helped, to talk. It helped to know that I was not nuts, not going insane. That if these people could get their lives back, then so could I.
So I set out on a mission. Sure I ordered Lucinda Bassett's program for hundreds of dollars. After all, I definitely was comforted by the stories in her book, but what I learned was this: most people are so desperate to treat the symptoms of the condition - the sweating, the emotion imbalance, the irrational fears and scary thoughts - that they look for a quick fix. While this, and any program or book like this, might arm the sufferer with some tools to help you get through a panic attack, they don't really address the true cause of the anxiety - YOU.
That's right - you are the cause of your own anxiety - and this is great news! Why? Because if you are the cause, then you can be the remedy as well! All it takes is a crapload of hard work and a ton of dedication. So off I went in search of a therapist for the first time in my life. Since my symptoms were literally paralyzing, I chose to couple my therapy with medication. An anti-anxiety that would help take the edge off, aid in helping me to sleep, and allow me the inner space I needed to wade through my issues.
Medication helped. I stayed on it for a few years until I felt confident that I could continue down my path without the extra help. That was about six years ago and I've been med-free ever since.
I've continued with therapy off and on since all those years ago, and can honestly say that by figuring out the problems that I didn't even know I had, I relieved myself of the condition of anxiety. Now you might be thinking, if you didn't even know you had these issues, why bother? Here's why - clearly my body knew I had things to work out because it was talking to me in the way of insomnia, stress, strange thoughts and panic attacks. I had no clue what was causing them until I went into therapy and figured it all out.
I'm not going to lie - it was REALLY HARD WORK. Sure, I could have stayed on medication indefinitely, as it did help to mask the symptoms. But now, as I travel through my life, I'm able to handle the unexpected shots that everyone encounters at one point or another with out the help of medication. I'm a solid, emotionally stable person who does not panic, does not become anxious at the mere thought of a problem, and I am able to stand firmly against the crap life inevitably tosses my way.
Life has thrown some of that unexpected crap my way of late. And even with that, I'm proud to say that I'm anxiety and panic-free, and I owe it to no one but myself. No one. And even while I travel down a less-than-perfect path, I'm grounded, present, and anxiety-free.
If you or anyone you know is suffering from anxiety, please don't hesitate to contact me. Maybe I can offer some help, some direction, or even just an ear. I get it. I was once there too.
