The Daily Grind of a Work @ Home Mom...

Are you mom enough? I know I am!

Time Magazine released their latest issue today and unveiled a provocative cover that features a hot, blond mom standing with her boob exposed and her dumbstruck three-year-old suckling at it. 

Without reading the story and based on the headline, you'd think it would be about that beaten-to-death "Mommy Wars" topic that rears its head every 25 minutes (and I've written about more than once).  But it's not. It's actually a profile of Dr. Bill Sears, the 72-year-old doctor and author who began writing books 20 years ago that say parents must wear their babies as an appendage at all times, sleep with their babies lest they feel abandoned for 8 hours, breast-feed for at least one year to even be considered a mom, and pretty much arm your children with zero independence, no self-soothing skills and ensure that they need mommy and daddy for ev-er-y-thing until they at least 15.  He even warns that that babies who cry too much — even those who are left to "cry it out" for short periods at night as they learn to go to sleep on their own — could suffer permanent brain damage, leading to a lower IQ, behavioral problems and more. No, seriously!

But my own opinions aside, I learned about the Time cover only secondary to a segment that aired on this morning's Morning Joe (below), during which Managing Editor Rick Stengel of Time Magazine appeared, most likely to promote the new issue, but also to be on the receiving end of a host and a guest, both of whom have vaginas, about the potentially gratuitous boob shot it portrays and the message that the headline, "Are you mom enough?" sends.  I heard about it from my boss at work who saw the segment and said she thought of me as she is aware that I sometimes struggle with being a good full-time employee and being the type of mom my girls deserve.  She too is a mom who works hard, and undoubtedly has stuggled with the same sometime feelings of guilt - both about kids and work - and has encouraged me to work hard but not to miss those moments with my kids that can't be recovered.  I think about her advice often as I decide whether I can be spared at work for a few hours to chaperone a field trip or attend a religious service on a friday morning.

The opinion that moms must be all-mom-all-the-time in order to be a successful parent, along with Stengel's smug attitude about the cover, lit me a fire just hot enough to bother writing this post.  Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of breast-feeding, I'm a fan of bottle feeding, hell, I'm just a fan of feeding your child using whatever method ensures nourishment.  I've said it before, I don't judge how other parents parent, so long as a child is not put in harm's way. 

What I'm not a fan of, is slinging mud at both sides just to see who screams louder.  And you know, this cover, regardless of what's inside of it, will prompt countless conversations, blog posts, tweets, status updates, Pins, etc about who is the mightiest parent of them all.  Is it the stay-at-home-mom who wore her baby until her back broke, nursed till baby was enrolled in kindergarten, and snuggled baby and (all previous kids) in the "family bed" forcing daddy to lock himself in the bathroom with nudie magazines and a sock?  Or is it the parents who kept baby beside them until they decided it was time for his/her own room, nurse or bottle fed or combined the two till it was time, encouraged their kids to walk, talk, and eat at their own pace, and wore them once in a while just to get dinner on the table in a timely manner?

Really, who cares.  That's so not the point for me.  If you watch the segment below, the two points that do resonate for me are:

1) According to Stengel, the image on the cover "represents the attachment between mother and child."  There is SO MUCH WRONG with this statement that it's crazy.  According to Stengel, if you don't have a kid hanging off your boob, you have failed at bonding with your kid.

Loving that this comes from a MAN.  I guess to complement this view, Stengel sees no way for dads to bond as strongly with their children, since they have no boobs.  I mean, how could they?  And if you're a mom who didn't nurse then obviously your bond with your kid is far less than if you had.  I mean, obv.

2) The hosts brought up a great point - if you're a dad who leaves work early to go cheer on your kid in little league you are a hero.  But if you're a mom who needs to cut out early to take little Junior to the pediatrician?  Well, that's coming outta your vacation time.  And you can be sure that your promotion just moved a little further south, Mom.

Oh, the double-standards that abound in our modern, post-feminist, tech-savvy, contemporary society continue to astound.  Personally, I feel lucky to have found a place of employment filled with managers who are moms and get that even though I'm not at the top of the food chain, my kids sometimes take priority, even between the hours of 8:30am and 5:30pm.  Lucky me, but it's cover pieces like this that send a message to women that screams if you don't sell your soul to your children, you are not worthy of having any.

And that, my friends, couldn't be further from the truth.

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The One Where the Kid Turns Six

I don't typically blast out my kids birthdays on my blog because, let's face it, who really cares.  But this post isn't so much about a birthday as it is about the fact that there's this crazy thing that happens after your kid turns five and goes to kindergarten and then turns six and you notice all these changes, and some are big and others small, and is this happening at your house too????

Alex was my first child, often lovingly referred to (by me) as my "original" baby.  She came just when I needed her most, and we've been a dynamic duo ever since (well, trio if you count her really cute lil sister).  She has promised me that that we can live together forever and ever and I've promised her that I have never loved anyone as much as I love her and her sister.  My feelings are 100 percent truth, and in all honesty, if things keep going this way, she may actually live up to her promise also.

Bottom line - she's an extraordinary kid and oh-so-loving.  Which works out for me.

But in the last year, in between the tulips and butterflies and rainbows, there have been moments of OHMYGODWHOSEKIDISTHAT and I blame kindergarten.

A month or two ago, my not-quite-six-year-old came home and told me that two kids in her class were going on a date.

"A date?" I asked, keeping my voice even even if I was half in shock.  "What's a date?"

"It's when a boy and a girl get together at night."

"What do they do on a date?  What's the difference between a date and a playdate?" I was scared to hear what was next.

"The kids go out to a restaurant and eat dinner - a boy and a girl." I pressed her for more.  "That's all I got," she said (for real).  "But at the end you can kiss on the lips."

"Oh, and I forgot - you don't sit next to each other, you sit across from each other so you can look at each other."

I was totally appalled and not at all ready for this but the part of me that appreciates irony entertained the conversation.  "They go out to eat? Who drives? Who orders? Neither kid can read!  WHO PAYS!!!???"

We laughed.  Because seriously, the whole thing was ridiculous.

Then the other day she came home from a playdate (with a girl) and proceeded to define "sexy" for me.

"It means stylish and pretty, mom," she told me like I'm an idiot.

While she wasn't wrong in her description, my heart sank.  My sweet little six year old, my Spongebob Squarepants loving daughter who can't sleep unless I cuddle with her and still comes into my bed in the middle of the night several times a month - she was explaining what sexy means.

There's nothing to be done.  As proof, we were listening to a popular morning show on the radio a few months ago and the word slut was being tossed around as casually as the forecast and before I could switch it (or even noticed), a little voice from the backseat says to me, "Mommy, what's a slut?"

I wasn't going there.

No matter how hard we try to shield our kids from the overly sexualized, less gentle world than my generation grew up in (and that's not saying much), it's just not possible.  And I don't blame those kids who are teaching her these things prematurely.  They're good kids who are learning from older siblings who have friends with older siblings.

So now she's six and in a few months she'll go to first grade and the social scene will only become more intense with each year.  And each year, I'll lose a little more of the control that I struggle to hold on to due to the simple fact that I let her out into the world. And she'll lose a little more of that beautiful innocence that I wish she could possess forever.

So here's the plan.  I'm going to do everything I can to instill decent values in my kids while they're under my roof.  So with work and school and stuff, that leaves about two hours a day, plus weekends, to make my mark.  I think it's going ok.  They don't curse (Mommy!  That's a BAAADDDD word!) and they know when they're saying something I won't like.  They have nice table manners, say please and thank you, and other parents tell me that my girls are a pleasure to have in their homes.  I'm sure they'll be privy to pretty much everything within the next few years, but I'll do whatever I can to protect those little people so they grow up to be big people who can feel proud to be who they are.

Happy sixth birthday to my delicious little girl...

 

A Simple Day

Like most everyone else, weekends are somewhat sacred in our house.  Unfortunately, too many of them get eaten up by errands, (other people's) birthday parties, commitment, and some silly thing or another so after spending Saturday doing my own thing, I reserved Sunday - for which the forecast was a warm, sunny day in New England - to do one of my favorite things: hit the beach.

It's getting easier now that my kids are getting older.  At four and almost six, they can carry their own snack, (almost) carry their own mini beach chairs, and play together.  Where a trip to the beach used to mean a cart load of stuff, eyes in the back of my head times two, and equal parts anxiety and fun, it's not like that anymore. 

For me, the beach - especially the New England beach - is a safe place.

It's a place I can think clearly, whether I'm jumping waves or sitting in my chair staring at them.  I can breathe deeply - I almost believe the sea air helps me sleep better (bottled beach air!  just $19.99!).  There's just something about a long beach day that equals luxury, decandence, relaxation.  Especially after a long week at school and work.  Especially when I'm surrounded by people I love.

We ended the day eating dinner while looking at the ocean in a nearby seaside town.  We hit the candy store, walked with the throngs of early toursists, begged for ice cream and finally, fell asleep on the drive home, the sand still attached to our toes.

It was a simple day. A perfectly, simple day.

The Fresh Diet delivers healthy food to your doorstep

You see that post about the nutella-filled treats a few posts down?  That (among others) is one of the reasons I've committed to beginning a healthy eating regimen starting ASAP.  This warm winter combined with the fact that March is already here have made me cognizant of the crap I've been ingesting for the last few months and how it's affecting how I feel in my jeans, how I know I'll feel in my summer clothes, and how I feel about myself in general.

It's my opinion that a woman, mom or otherwise, must feel hawt at all times.  And while that doesn't necessarily mean size 2, it does mean feeling healthy and fit.

So I am lucky to be part of The Fresh Diet campaign.  The Fresh Diet is a healthy, fresh meal delivery program that makes eating mindfully easy.  No measuring, no pre-planning, and no frozen meals (though in all honesty, I have had great success with frozen meal plans).  You have two options on The Fresh Diet: daily delivery which is only offered in select cities at the moment, or twice weekly delivery, available everywhere.  The food is delivered fresh in temperature controlled thermally insulated refrigerated cooler bags to your doorstep and you just put it in the fridge to store it.

Selecting a menu was easy.  I went to the microsite, selected my calories per day (I picked
1000-1200/day for weight loss but you can choose as much as you'd like) and my food "dislikes" which didn't remove those foods from my menu choices (that might have been nice), but did alert me if I chose a food that included any of my dislikes.  I had four choices for each meal of the day, four choices for snacks (which included sweets as well as more food-like selections like chicken satay or pita an hummus), and two choices for side dishes (like grains and veggies).  It also alerted me if I was getting too carb heavy on a particular day.  While I would've like even more choices per meal (I don't eat fish or pork so that instantly reduced my number of choices for many meals), there was plenty to choose from.

The food looked appetizing in the images provided with descriptions (if not big in portion size - but I guess that's the point), and the selections were foods I might eat anyway.  I chose egg white burritos, salads topped with protein, steak and veggies.  Most of the foods offered were familiar items but I also selected some things I wouldn't otherwise eat like turkey meatballs.  Full food review to come.

I'm being treated to a week of taste-testing the meals, and (hopefully) losing a few LBs.  My plan is not to stray from the plan (I'm headed to Vegas in two weeks and need to feel good in my Vegas clothes!) and really focus on being mindful of portion and what I'm ingesting.  I'm hoping my children will take care of their own meals for the week and it'll feel almost like a vacation!  Almost.

I'll post again after my week on the program.  Wish me luck.

If you're interested in trying out The Fresh Diet, you can receive 3 days free with the purchase of a 31-day plan at $29.99 per day.  Use promo code SEMOMMAR29.

“This post is sponsored by The Fresh Diet.  I also received a week’s supply of The Fresh Diet food to facilitate this review.  All opinions are my own.”

 

As Bob Marley once said, judge not

I read a piece on HuffPo Parents today called 'Apologies To The Parents I Judged Four Years Ago.'  Written by blogger Kara Gebhart Uhl, it basically tells the story of 90% of people pre-kids, and then 90% of us, post-kids.  The other 10% of parents who can't relate to this piece are full of shit. 

Before becoming parents, many of us, myself included, looked at what parents were doing with their kids and scoffed.  I can remember coming back from a family member's house and saying, "cheese sandwiches?  For DINNER?" like arsenic was being sprinkled between two pieces of (WHITE!!!) bread and being fed to the unknowing children.

Let the record show we eat many grilled cheese sandwiches - for ANY meal. 

In short, I don't judge much anymore. Or at least, I keep the judging to a minumum. After all, I don't like feeling judged for my choices.  Firstly, you never know what's going on inside of someone else's world and secondly, unless a child is in danger of any sort, it's really not my (or your) business whether their apple is organic or not.  To all you Judgey Judgerson's, I'll let you in on a lil secret - being judgmental is not the key to anyone's heart.

I admit, this transformation didn't happen overnight.  I had a friend who decided to Ferberize her first child - at four months no less! - thus getting in the way of our New Year's Eve plans (made months in advance since we were both new moms).  I hated the idea of "cry-it-out" and no baby of mine was going to be made to feel sad in her crib even if mom and dad hadn't had anything resembling a full night sleep in nine months. However, a week later, she had a four month old who was sleeping, well, like a baby, while we were still being woken up night after night.

Oh, and you child leashers?  I still can't wrap my ahead around that but hey, it's not my therapy bill.

That said, I can recall giving a bottle to my almost asleep baby while she lay flat on her back in her crib (midnight feeding, she would eat then sleep. A dream.)  I've been known to let my kids watch too much TV after a long day at work, all of us cuddled together enjoying - GASP - Spongebob! before bedtime. There are times when they go to bed a few minutes before their regular bedtime - without the requisite 20 minutes of reading - because the day has kicked Mommy's ass and she needs serenity, like, now.  And other days we get to bed too late because I missed my babies more than usual that day.  Selfish, I know.

And even after not supporting my friend's choice to let her baby cry, I did it with my second child.  After allowing baby #1 to rule the bedtime roost out of sheer desperation, I just could not do it the second time around.  So I ate my words, and baby #2 wasn't so lucky - I was more prepared to battle it out this time. So while I wouldn't recommend letting your baby sleep with you, I do get it.    And if you choose to take baby in your bed, I'll tell you I'm sorry, but I won't be judging.

For the most part, I think we're doing just fine.

We eat whole grains as much as we can and do lots of art together.  We bake, we practice spelling, we dip broccoli in hummus.  We have never had to leave a restaurant due to a disruptive child nor are their eyeballs surgically attached to video games to get them to behave so we can eat (though, if this is your thing, cool.)

I work full-time.  I sometimes feed my children chicken nuggets or fish sticks for dinner, other times they eat roasted kale and tilapia.  Before I was a parent I was a highly judgmental person.  Since then, I really care way less about what other people do and more about what I should be doing.

But all around me, I'm aware that judgment abounds.  Much like the blogger who wrote that piece, I can sense it.  But I don't really care. 

As long as I'm ok with what I'm doing, it's all good.

"Judge not
Before you judge yourself.
Judge not
If you're not ready for judgement."

-Bob Marley

Happiness is simple

It's getting there that's hard:

Conferences, and events, and junkets. Oh, my!

I'm re-posting this for all you newer bloggers who are considering any upcoming events or conferences.  Also, I am about to attend an event at a local chapter of a "club" for public relations practitioners, and I'll have to remember to practice what I preach.

_________________________________

We all know the type – a blogger who sits perched behind her desk all day blogging, tweeting, Facebook’ing like crazy. Telling all and leaving nothing out. Chances are, if you met her, she would be a laugh a minute, the life of the party, and your new BFF.

Or, maybe not.

Bloggers, securely fastened behind their computer screens, are very courageous people. But get them in public, and you may find that they’re not as outgoing as they seem.

Or maybe they are. But until you meet, how will you know?

The scene is familiar - at every blogger event, someone feels let down by the characters in the room. It’s happened to me. And I’m sure it’s happened to you.

But the truth is, with all the finger-pointing and “this group is so cliquey” and “who does she think she is” going on, are we really doing our part to control our experience? Or are we making our good time someone else’s problem?

Attending a blogger event is just like attending any other social or networking event - you get out of it what you put in. I’ve been to conferences where I’ve been the wallflower and come out of it having had a meh experience. But anytime I come out of my shell, put myself out there and actually behave in a way that is more magnetic, I have a ball.

It was a few months ago that a blogger attended a local event and felt snubbed by the other attendees. What’s more, she was told her seats were taken and had to find someplace to sit for herself and her child. As a person who curates events, this is unacceptable.

However, is it possible that feeling blown-off by other bloggers was largely a result of her already stressful experience? After all, everyone there was wrangling at least a kid or two. It was an evening event (whiny, tired kids). And the venue was very stimulating for the kids. Could it be that folks were having their own challenges that day?

Bloggers, PR people, or whomever we are - we are all in charge of ourselves. Social etiquette remains largely consistent under most circumstances. As adults, we control our fun. No matter where we are, it is no one else’s responsibility to ensure we meet people or enjoy ourselves. I’ll remind myself of this next time I set out in this big, bad world.

"Why I Can't Make Mom Friends"

I first posted this in September 2010 and something happened the otherd ay that made me remember it.  It's hilarious - enjoy.

This parody on moms is just so ridiculously true.  It pretty much covers, well, EVERY.THING that makes annoying moms annoying.  And how awesome is the word "Mompetitors"???

 

 

From the archives: When Worlds Collide

This post first appeared on TDG on May 26, 2011.  I still think about this all the time, mostly because people often identify me as a blogger (which inevitably leads to the what's your blog? question), and as a result of the rise of social media, where I proudly list my URL and new posts.  So people read. I know that. And I'm almost ok with it.  Almost.

When I first started this blog, it coincided with the launch of my webstore.  Not a coincidence though; I had been advised to try to create buzz about my new venture utilizing blogs.  It was the beginning of review blogging and a time when bloggers actually responded to small businesses looking for reviews in exchange for nothing more than a sample and sometimes a giveaway item. 

Being a writer at heart, the natural progression was to start a blog myself at that time.  I had a good reason (my store), lots of opinions to share (cuz everyone cares), and I was staying home with my new baby leaving plenty of time to stir up the creative juices.

What I couldn't anticipate on that day in April of 2007 (wow was I green) was that four years later, not only would I still be blogging on this platform, but I'd be considered a "blogger".  That I would have parlayed my experience in the blogosphere into a day job.  That people would be reading. 

That people I KNEW would be reading.

And the worlds collide. 

I didn't talk much about my blog to my "real-life" people very much for the first few years.  I mean, they may have known I had one, but I never publicized it outside of that crazy underbelly world of blogosphere.  I had my fellow blog people, and my real-life people.  And I was good with that.

Lately though, as I move forward and meet people and stuff, Google has become a better friend.  I've gotten so good at manipulating it that I can find out the most basic to totally random stuff about people with almost no information.  And I know that the opposite is true too.

But mostly, I come up with Facebook pages, blank Twitter streams, maybe some weird article or random resume.  Not fair!  I put a lot of stuff here.  While there's a hugely gigantic part of me that is reserved for my IRL friends (you know, the personal stuff I don't talk about here), there's lots of stuff here!  Stuff about how I parent, my opinions, my style of doing things - just... stuff.

So when my worlds collide, when someone I sort of know says "OMG, I read in your blog that blahblahblah..." it makes me a little nervous. Takes me totally out of my comfort zone.  Weird, right?  I mean I singlehandedly am responsible for putting it here!  But you know, it's not because there is so much stuff here, but mainly because there's so much stuff NOT here.  I'm often surprised when I meet a blogger I read regularly.  I'm typically struck either by the fact that they're edgier than they put out there, or  they're a little more reserved IRL than they portray publicly. 

It goes with the territory.  I know that.  But if you want to know me, I mean, really know me?  Call me, let's get a drink. :)

Pushing her in the pool: learn to swim or forever fear water?

I have two children, both girls.  One is rather outgoing and somewhat of a risk-taker (sort of like me) while the other is more cautious and slightly stand-offish, especially in new situations.  She's five, so it's not unusual, but it's sometimes a bit unfamiliar to me.  Once she's comfortable in her surroundings though, she's perfectly fine.

The stand-off'ish child is my oldest and she has always been more reserved than my little one.  It's possible that this part of her personality is what lead to a rough experience at a pretty rustic summer camp last summer and an excited anxiousness surrounding the beginning of elementary school this September.  She's not the first person to introduce herself on the playground but she's not the last either.  She is extremely smart, engaged, interested in playing and learning, but still, she doesn't break free from my grasp to hit the scary house on Halloween nor will she open your fridge door to see what's inside.  On the flip side, she's polite, attentive, and fun to be around.

She doesn't like going in other people's cars.  Since I have had a pretty flexible schedule until recently, she never really had to.  Now it becomes a bit of an issue when there's snow or rain and one of the generous other moms offers her and her adult a ride home from school (which is within walking distance).  There's an after-school birthday party next week that which, in order to go, she would need to take a ride one way with friends we both know very, very well, and get picked up by her own dad.  In between, she'll be treated to jumpy houses, cake, pizza, party favors and whatever else is included in a kindergartner's birthday party.

First she said she refused to go unless I take her.  Problem is (I'm a very bad mom), I cannot leave work to take my child to a birthday party. 

I've told her I already RSVP'd that she'd be there.  That brought tears.  So I told her she didn't have to go, but everyone in the class would be there.  I also told her that she can't have a birthday party of her own this year because since she ditches everyone else's party, no one will come.  She didn't really care as long as her own family would celebrate with her.

Her dad believes we should encourage her to go without necessarily forcing her, but using language that would give her less choice in the matter, resulting in her going to the party.  While I agree with him, my fear is that of  the throwing the kid in the pool scenario: does that kid really learn to swim or will she forever fear water? 

Ok, I realize this is small stuff in the grand scheme of things but it's the problem of the week.  I hope it's my biggest problem, like, ever, but the point is why is there no handbook for this stuff????

Last night when I asked her if she wanted to go to the store to pick out a present for the birthday boy (my attempt to gently see where she currently stands on topic - after all, she's five and changes her mind as often as the light turns green), her response was that she's not sure she's going.

"But I'm thinking about it, Mom.  I'm thinking about it."

Did I mention she's just five?