After a long hiatus involving too many People Magazines, visits to TMZ.com, and various other mind-numbing tabloidy destinations, I'm back to good old fashioned reading. I'm sure I've said this here before but it feels good to be back. It's just that it's not easy to find books that grab - and maintain - my attention for longer than a few chapters. But last weekend while visiting friends, my girlfriend offered my her husband's copy of Waiter Rant and told me he loved it.
Waiter Rant is yet another blogger success story. Started as a weblog by an overworked, less-than-satisfied waiter in 2004, Waiter Rant is probably an assortment of posts, manipulated into short-story format in order to work as a book (I haven't spent much time with the blog yet). But work it does. The stories speak to the underbelly of the restaurant world in a way that captivates. The part of dining out that we, as mere patrons, never get to see or and most of us don't bother to think about. Topics like seating (my own father is famous for never accepting the first table offered), to ordering, to proper wine etiquette and tipping - all fodder for stories in Waiter Rant. It almost gives the reader a sense of voyeurism into the restaurant world.
The author, Steve Dublanica, who blogged anonymously and stayed in the proverbial closet even after the first edition of the book came out, comes across as an intelligent, if not slightly underwhelmed by life, jaded guy. A waiter by circumstance as opposed to choice (one year fell into the next), it's his view from the top that makes the stories interesting. It's that he knew what readers wanted to hear about. Sex in bathrooms, hand-jobs under tables, the rich guy dining with the whore, and all make for an interesting read.
I was surprised to learn that not all waiters spit in their customers food (I've worried about that more than once myself) and that most servers live on tips (15-20% is standard). I'd never considered the competitive nature of the business (weekend shifts, holidays...) or how waiters relationships suffer as a result of their absurd schedules. Overall, these are topics I've just never thought to consider, because I didn't realize I cared.
I could have lived without reading Waiter Rant. It was a laugh-out-loud, flinch outwardly, beach-read that didn't so much as teach me anything as much as it made me think about stuff I'd never thought to think about. But now that I know, I'm thinking I might be a much better customer next time I eat out.
Part of the appendix, I loved this and thought it was worth sharing:
What Your Drink Says About You.
Vodka Martini – Sophisticated. You’re classy, old school or a James Bond wannabe. I’ve been known to drink these.
Cosmopolitan – Prissy, over ordered and passé. Favored by Manolo Blahnik wearing Candace Bushnell devotees who spend all their money on shoes but live in rathole apartments. Rapidly becoming an old lady drink.
Sidecar – The last time you got laid was 1932.
Chardonnay – You know what you like. Boring. Predictable. The Missionary Position of White Wine.
Pinot Grigio – You’re pretentious or don’t know what you like. You follow the herd. The Circle Jerk of White Wine
Beer – Blue collar, simple, and an old standby. (I think a girl wearing a t-shirt and jeans while drinking a good ‘ol Bud is very sexy.)
Chocolate Martini – You’re immature or have a sweet tooth. Good for masking the taste of Roofies.
Vodka on the Rocks – You want to get drunk as fast as possible.
Malibu Bay Breeze – A gay man’s drink. (According to Louis)
Sloe Gin Fizz – Same as above.
Gin neat – Only for mad dogs and Englishmen.
Sour Apple Martini – You have a sense of fun but overindulgence might cause dancing on tables and bad karaoke singing. (Beth?)
Negroni – Fluvio’s favorite drink so I can’t badmouth it. I like my job.
Campari and Soda – You’re a gourmand. A good aperitif. A bitter drink for bitter people.
Manhattan – Old fogey drink. Stuffy. Where did I put the bitters?
Sweet Vermouth on the Rocks – You’re so old that if you’re not already in the grave you soon will be.
Pinot Noir – You’ve seen Sideways. Nuff said.
Sex on the Beach – You’ve been to Club Hedonism haven’t you?
Sex up Against the Wall – You own shares in Club Hedonism don’t you?
Galliano –You’re a waterbed, lava lamp, reel to reel, gold chain wearing, wall to wall shag carpet loving, swinging 70’s disco fool.
Gimlets – You’re old fashioned and like to drink. Usually the provenance of classy cerebral babes.
Rob Roy – You’re an alcoholic.
Margarita – You’re fun, good in bed, and naughty with a sense of style. If you don’t have it with salt you’re a wimp.
Shirley Temple – What? Are you five years old? On the wagon? Get the fuck outta here.
Bloody Mary – You need an excuse to start drinking before lunch.
Gin and Tonic – You’re kinda boring but an excellent drink when it’s hot outside.
Mint Julep – You’re a hospitable Southern guy/gal. Good stuff. Rarely ordered.
Tequila – You’re not afraid of spending a little time in jail.
Champagne – You’re reserved, classy, or a stripper.
Vodka Red Bull – Party person, young, possible cokehead.
Southern Comfort –Where’d you put the Lynyrd Skynyrd eight tracks? I know I saw ‘em around here somewhere.
Mojito – You’re not afraid to try new things, have low frustration tolerance and are prone to wild rages.
Rum and Coke – You’ve been arrested for assault once or twice.
Whisky Sour – Have another one Grandma.
Alabama Slammer – You’ve read the “Have a Cocktail” placemat at the diner once too often.
Whisky, Single Malt Scotch, Bourbon – You’re a sexual athlete. Women want you and men want to be like you. You have class, talent, wit, and brains. Of course, this is what I drink.
